i'll start by telling you about my blog address.

i chose i shortly after hearing a favourite song for perhaps the 40th or 50th time except this time i heard it on a whole new level.

(note, anyone who knows me well will testify to the fact that i am not somebody who needs to know/understand/analyse the lyrics to really like a song. in fact sometimes my enjoyment is so separate to the author's sentiments that i make up my own words. thus having lyrics "speak" to me does bear some significance )

anyway, the song in question was galileo by the indigo girls

being no stranger to therapy and an array of associated formal and non-formal frameworks for analysis of my fears and thoughts it should be of no surprise that the phrase "And as the bombshells of my daily fears explode, I try to trace them to my youth" leapt out at me.

despite being happily married nearly a year and in an objectively good and responsible managerial position at work for a year and a half, plus being blessed with health and a supporting family my life is still plagued with fears and insecurity.

i guess maturity, experience and the aforementioned not insignificant measure of couch time should teach me that the two aren't connected. even when i do do some deep and intrinsic tracing, i know that identifying the source will never be enough to get rid of the hang up/quirk/ fear/ insecurity. at best it will help me step back from the situation, observe whats going on and by taking myself out let myself choose (rather than proceed on autopilot) to a path of action.

so thats all well and good. but a later lyric spoke to me even more as it voiced the complaint my head committee (to be introduced in a later post) debates daily --- How long till my soul gets it right?

getting it right is an obsession for me.

i'm so scared of getting it wrong, of being inadequate, in trouble, its quite insane. of course it doesnt mean i do things perfectly all the time because of this fear it just means that i can feel like a failure and a fake a lot of the time.

you got it wrong is a leading voice among the acapella of criticisms that play (mostly for committee meetings) in my head.

They tend to sing loudest attimes when i davka need to gather my resources and inner strength together to overcome a challenge or when i'm in a good position to really be getting places and achieving my goals.

actually if i examine things carefully (non-judgementally and curiously as i'm learning to do), the voices get louder the more i have reason to believe that i really do have the ability to succeed - be that to do my job, be creative, care for and communicate with my husband, do well by my friends, get over my hang ups, have fun. and why... its a matter of survival -- this negative chorus from the depths of hell gets its loudest when its very existence is most challenged.

so to recap....

this lyric first spoke to me because i do so want to know when i'm going to get it right.

but it also pointed to something else. by saying when will my soul get it right it suggested the obvious -- that this is really an innately impossible task. my soul isnt just mine, its an inheritance that i get and i get to pass on. i shouldnt expect to get it right.

i'm not going to get into details of reincarnation (you had to bring it up :-)) or the Jewish version of gilgul neshamot but will just say that this reminds me that the best i can be expected to do is my best. there is no all right way of doing things and i definitely cant be expected to do all of them all of the time.

so that's my share for today....

btw, the song had some other lyrics that i just like even if i dont quite get what they mean and couldnt tie them in to my grand theory so i'm going to list them here just to give you a chance to ponder and enjoy them if you wish. and if you dont, then thats ok too.

I offer thanks to those before me. That's all I've got to say. Cause maybe you squandered big bucks in your lifetime. Now I have to pay. But then again it feels like some sort of inspiration. To let the next life off the hook.But she'll say look what I had to overcome from my last life.I think I'll write a book